The Stillness

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

There is a stillness. But it won't last forever. Is it Peace? Is it Apathy?
It is suspended animation, slow motion.
My stomach growls, but my mouth will not receive food.
I have no desire for it. Food is for joy and celebration.
The stillness is like glass, and glass breaks.
Awaiting the bullets arrival into my heart. It moves slowly, but it will arrive.
There is a stillness. The stillness is like glass. And glass breaks.


The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

The Opposite of Loneliness Part II

I've been having experiences with a friend which I would describe as the opposite of loneliness. When I've had conversations with God about what types of relational experiences I'd like to have, I tell him that I don't want them to be for nothing. No more fruitless experiences. I tell him that I would like these experiences to lead to something permanent, lasting and meaningful. I don't know where this particular experience will lead, but I have to trust in the fact that God knows I'm tired of coming up empty and being left high and dry. So as I try to guard my heart and manage expectations, I suppose I have to be open to the fact that this may just be a blessing for me to enjoy right now, but I figure I might as well make a list of other experiences that I'd like to see fulfilled. Who knows what might happen...faith is a crazy thing!

1. Exchange funny and deep text messages.
2. Have a deep, nourishing friendship.
3. Have a never-ending night- dinner, movie, and a long, long talk over ice cream on a park bench somewhere.
4. Sit on a couch somewhere and talk about our future together.
5. Go on a hike together.
6. Serve in ministry together.
7. Be my date to a wedding.
8. Hold me in a close, tight, long embrace.
9. Make dinner and watch a favorite TV show together.
10. Stare at me when he thinks I'm not looking.

I'll leave it at an even 10 for now and commit these deep-heart desires to God.

Community

I realized yesterday that I'm afraid of community. I enjoy the fellowship and fun that it brings, but I'm tired -and afraid - of the never-ending cycle of liking guys who don't like me back. These days church leaves me lonelier when I walk out than before I went in :-( I don't desire community like I used to.

I deserve 100%

I deserve 100% of a guy's time and attention. I don't want anything/anyone so badly that I'm willing to settle for less. I will not be vying or competing for attention because I deserve to be desired and pursued.

Confessions

I sometimes want to hire a cute guy to sit with me at church. He'd have to leave before service was over though, so he wouldn't have to talk to anyone and I wouldn't have to lie in the house of the Lord...or anywhere else...

Confessions

I confess...


...that I got curious and looked IT up. I wonder if this is how Adam and Eve felt after they had eaten the fruit. Who knows, I forget easily anyway.

N

Confessions

I confess...

...that sometimes when I let my hair down, I wish there was someone to get lost in it.

N

The Opposite of Loneliness

My definition:

When you can bare your soul to someone who is truly interested. Someone who is willing to wander unhurriedly over every mountain, into every valley of your being. Camp out with you by the river of memories and re-experience them with you as they float by. Someone who will tug at the loose threads of your soul, and you unravel, offering little resistance. And at the end of the thread, begins to weave a new pattern, but this time, there are two strands not one.

What are we looking for??

Someone asked me yesterday what the one thing is that I'm most afraid of. My answer at the time was loneliness. Not singleness, mind you, but loneliness, which can occur in any marital state.

After further reflection, however, if I could change my answer, I would respond "not being enough." I have done my best to be the best version of me possible, but I fear that there is an ideal out there - reasonable or unreasonable - that in another person's eyes, I am unable to meet.

I fear that I will never excite anyone enough to the point of asking "Will you marry me?" I fear that men are chasing an experience rather than a heart.

I fear that no one will prove these thoughts wrong.

Let me introduce myself

So "N" hits me up through email about potentially starting a blog on singleness. She mentions she already has a title (clever, right?), and that even though the market is saturated with blogs on the subject, we could bring a unique spin since we are all Christian females who are not white, living in very white worlds. I gave her props on the idea and witty title. Next thing I know, I'm invited (guilt-tripped) into being an author as well.

So here goes.

I'm not white. I'm not black. I'm representing Asia!

(I bet you think I'm Chinese. WRONG! There are more countries in Asia other than China. There are brown people from Asia too. Racist! I kid.  :-) See, I used a smiley face emoticon to prove I'm joking and lessen your guilt for jumping to conclusions.)

I'm 29. Less than a year away from 30. I was NOT supposed to be single according to my life plan.  Or my mother's life plan for me.

I'm a Christian. The Lord has hitherto preserved my sanity as I navigate life's waters solo.

I won't be using my real name on the blog. Henceforth, I shall be known as "Ms. S"
I know you think I'm a wimp for not being truly "open" and "vulnerable" and "transparent" or whatever other evangelical blogger jargon you prefer, but may I remind you, I'm Asian. We keep our biznit to ourselves, for fear of being openly shamed and shunned and then never securing a suitable arranged marriage. The previous sentence was not exaggeration.

Plus, if I speak up in church about my opinions, I'll be pegged as an angry minority woman, and then all the cute white boys will never consider asking me out on a date. Not that my silence has them currently lining up...but that's a post for another time.

So get ready for a fun ride! Hopefully N and I will get you thinking and laughing.


Signing off for the first time!

Ms. S

Not meant to be alone

Some people are just not meant to be alone. I'm one of them. Today I'm going through a bout of loneliness. Some days I come home from work and don't even think about it. On those days, my apartment is a place of rest, recharging and a refuge from life's stresses. I step inside and shut out the world. I deeply enjoy the peace it offers. On other days - days like today- I step inside and it's quiet and that familiar pang greets me at the door. I know what's coming. I try to distract myself with books, movies, chats with friends. but it hovers in the background, reminding me that it's not going anywhere. Not tonight.

This is not the type of loneliness that happens because I have no friends, or because I'm not with my friends. This is the kind of loneliness that keeps me away from friends, because sometimes, around people, you feel it more.

I look forward to the day when I won't be lonely anymore. Whether on earth or in heaven. In all honesty, I wonder if I so over-anticipate being fulfilled in a certain way that really nothing on earth is able to satisfy it; that I have built up "not being lonely" so much that no human being can satisfy my ideals for companionship; that the loneliness has taken such deep roots that I will be dissatisfied anyway with what another human being has to offer. Is deep loneliness causing me to expect too much? I hope not.

N

Reasons I'm thankful to be single

"Thankful" and "single" in the same sentence??? Yes. I realize though, that those two words in the same sentence are not offensive ONLY if you are, at once, the author and audience of the statement. If a married person says it to you, your friendship is over. If a single person says it to you, you have to wonder if they ever hit puberty. The only time this phrase will not inspire violence is if it is a product of self-realization. That said, I've had many moments of said self-realization, and as a result, have compiled the list below of why I'm thankful to be single:

• Reason #1 Express
• Reason #2 Victoria's Secret (this one is probably first place on the opposite list)
• Reason #3 Ulta
• Reason #4 DSW
• Reason #5 Walmart (yes, Walmart. I walked in intending to spend $10 and walked out with $95 on my receipt. I think the cashier gave me the wrong receipt, but I won't call their customer service hotline to report her. This time.)
• Reason #5 Target (I have to choose my check-out lines carefully)

I'm sure you're starting to see a pattern here. I think God has given me this time of singleness to get all my retail therapy needs out of my system. By the time I'm married, I won't need to shop as much. Ha..haha...hahahahhahahah. Good one.

N

Welcome!

I've been carrying the idea of this blog in my head for a while now. I'm not a believer in beating dead horses. I'm sure there's an animal rights organization for that, I think it's called Society for the prevention of cruelty to dead animals- SPCDA for short. I hear they're crazier than PETA, they'll actually put the dead horse's head in your bed while you sleep. Wait, was that The Godfather? I digress. Who needs another blog about singleness? No one. Who needs a blog about singleness written by smart, educated, pretty, witty, minority-American (well, technically, one isn't quite American yet but don't tell the USCIS) ladies? You do. And you (points to audience) and you...And everyone else! (sweeps arms across the entire stadium). Because the world deserves to hear the story from our perspective!!! <megalomaniacal rising voice with fist in the air><crowd goes wild><smiles with satisfaction>
So through this blog, we will tell our story. The blog's title comes from Genesis 2:24 (King James Version please, we all know it's the holiest) "Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh." Well, a woman shall also leave her father and mother too, but in this case, the cleaving part hasn't yet occurred, hence the title. Aren't I clever.
Who are the bloggers, you ask? You shall meet them in due time. Stay tuned!

N