The Stillness

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

There is a stillness. But it won't last forever. Is it Peace? Is it Apathy?
It is suspended animation, slow motion.
My stomach growls, but my mouth will not receive food.
I have no desire for it. Food is for joy and celebration.
The stillness is like glass, and glass breaks.
Awaiting the bullets arrival into my heart. It moves slowly, but it will arrive.
There is a stillness. The stillness is like glass. And glass breaks.


The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

The Opposite of Loneliness Part II

I've been having experiences with a friend which I would describe as the opposite of loneliness. When I've had conversations with God about what types of relational experiences I'd like to have, I tell him that I don't want them to be for nothing. No more fruitless experiences. I tell him that I would like these experiences to lead to something permanent, lasting and meaningful. I don't know where this particular experience will lead, but I have to trust in the fact that God knows I'm tired of coming up empty and being left high and dry. So as I try to guard my heart and manage expectations, I suppose I have to be open to the fact that this may just be a blessing for me to enjoy right now, but I figure I might as well make a list of other experiences that I'd like to see fulfilled. Who knows what might happen...faith is a crazy thing!

1. Exchange funny and deep text messages.
2. Have a deep, nourishing friendship.
3. Have a never-ending night- dinner, movie, and a long, long talk over ice cream on a park bench somewhere.
4. Sit on a couch somewhere and talk about our future together.
5. Go on a hike together.
6. Serve in ministry together.
7. Be my date to a wedding.
8. Hold me in a close, tight, long embrace.
9. Make dinner and watch a favorite TV show together.
10. Stare at me when he thinks I'm not looking.

I'll leave it at an even 10 for now and commit these deep-heart desires to God.

Community

I realized yesterday that I'm afraid of community. I enjoy the fellowship and fun that it brings, but I'm tired -and afraid - of the never-ending cycle of liking guys who don't like me back. These days church leaves me lonelier when I walk out than before I went in :-( I don't desire community like I used to.

I deserve 100%

I deserve 100% of a guy's time and attention. I don't want anything/anyone so badly that I'm willing to settle for less. I will not be vying or competing for attention because I deserve to be desired and pursued.

Confessions

I sometimes want to hire a cute guy to sit with me at church. He'd have to leave before service was over though, so he wouldn't have to talk to anyone and I wouldn't have to lie in the house of the Lord...or anywhere else...

Confessions

I confess...


...that I got curious and looked IT up. I wonder if this is how Adam and Eve felt after they had eaten the fruit. Who knows, I forget easily anyway.

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Confessions

I confess...

...that sometimes when I let my hair down, I wish there was someone to get lost in it.

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